When I am crowned Queen of the World, the first laws I pass will relate to use of public transport. Here they are, for those still unsure whether or not to vote for me:
1.) No-one is allowed to pick anything: noses, teeth, skin, hair or anything else.
2.) Seats are for bottoms, not bags. Unless your bag has bought his own ticket, he needs to sit on your lap or go in the overhead shelf.
3.) Men have to sit with their legs closed and their bottoms against the back of the seat. No-one’s penis is so wide that they physically cannot sit this way. If it is, they will be given a special badge. And a special seat. Perhaps a special carriage – no-one wants to be near that.
4.) Turn your music down – your taste is embarrassing us all.
5.) Save your stinky, noisy food for when you get home – you are not going to die if you wait a few more minutes. If you are about to die of hypoglycemia for goodness’ sake eat with your mouth closed.
6.) Blow. Your. Nose.
7.) Do not look at pornography or other lewd images while traveling. If you must be so base, wait until you get home. Again, no-one is going to die from waiting a few minutes to do this.
8.) Turn your phone onto silent. I do not want to be notified whenever you get your next WhatsApp, especially if your chosen tone is that person whistling, which makes me want to die. If you have your key tones switched on, thus alerting us all whenever you touch any given key on your phone, your phone will be confiscated and destroyed and you will have to attend a course before being allowed a replacement.
9.) Similarly, if you have the sound effects on while playing a game on your mobile, you will have your hands confiscated, too.
10.) While I am writing this, someone is whistling tunelessly. No. This will not be allowed when I am queen.
11.) Wash, hydrate and brush your teeth, especially after coffee.
12.) Anyone inappropriately touching a woman or their own genitals, or leering in any way, will be instantly killed in a horrible way. Or maybe forced to attend a Consent Course until such time as they are able to function as a reasonable human, depending on whether or not I am being a benevolent dictator that day.
13.) Children and people who think it’s acceptable to talk to strangers will be confined to special sound proofed carriages.
14.) Trains are not for phone calls. I do not wish to know what Darren said, or what you said to him, or what he said to you ad nauseum. Nor, I propose, does the person on the other end of the phone, if indeed there is anyone.
15.) Keep your filthy feet off the seats, you animal. That’s what evolution is for.
16.) MOVE. DOWN. A. BIT.
That is all.